If This Is Your Will: Learning to Breathe Again

I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds.”
Pslam 9:1

It All Hit at Once

A few weeks ago, I found out I owed the government $10,500 in taxes. (Yes, I know—it’s a lot.)

I run a small wedding and elopement planning + photography business, and like many small business owners, tax season can be brutal. But this year, it hit harder than I was ready for.

Then, I found out my best friend is pregnant (a joy I hope she shares here someday 🧡), forgot to pay the rent, fell behind on editing, and—cherry on top—got an email about an elopement cancellation.

Damn it.

The Drowning Season

It was a hard time.
Financially. Mentally. Emotionally.
Even relationally—Andrew and I were walking through growing pains of our own.

I felt like I’d fallen off the boat.
Lost at sea.
Watching as everyone else sailed off—forgetting me.

I imagined the water slowly rising above my head, my body drifting toward the bottom of the ocean. And in that moment, I looked up toward the surface, toward the sky, and whispered:

“Lord, if this is Your will—
hold me close.
If this is Your will—don’t let me go.
If this is Your will—help me see the goodness in Your gifts.”
-my “crying out” prayer

The Climb Back to the Surface

Little by little, I felt the hand of God lift me from the deep.
Scoop by scoop.
Until I could finally break through the surface and breathe again.

And when I opened my eyes, I started to see what had been there all along:
God’s goodness. God’s gifts. Everywhere.

We managed to pull together enough to pay off our taxes.
I finally got to hug my best friend and kiss her growing belly.
I booked a new elopement and added a few more sessions.
I cleared my editing queue for the first time in over a year.
Paid the rent on time.
The dishes are clean. The laundry’s done.
We have a roof over our heads, water to drink, food to eat, and people to share it with.

That is abundance.
That is grace.

And Let Me Say This About Andrew

Side note—but it needs to be said: Andrew doesn’t get nearly enough credit for what he does for our home and our life.

While I’m out living my dream and pouring myself into this business, he’s keeping the wheels turning. It’s not always 50/50, but it’s always love. Always partnership. And I am endlessly grateful for him.

Giving Thanks (Even Now)

It’s Sunday morning. I’m sitting at my favorite coffee shop, doing my devotional before church, and I pick out my scripture for the day—it’s all about giving thanks.

And boy, do I have a lot of thanks to give.

I’m thankful for Andrew.
I’m thankful for friends with listening ears and tight hugs.
I’m thankful for the quiet hum of this coffee shop and the oat milk in my latte.
I’m thankful for the work that is finding its way to me.
For the rain that brings color back into the world.
For the sunny days and sparkling blue skies.
For my body.
For you, dear reader—for showing up here with curiosity, not judgment.

When It’s Hard to Be Thankful

I’m a natural optimist—but that doesn’t mean it comes easy.
Not every day. Not every season.

Some days I bulldoze through life with blinders on, pissed off and heavy with doubt.
But that never lasts.
Eventually, all that’s left is me, raw and open and tired.

And in those moments, I remember to look up again.
I say it again:

“Lord, if this is Your will—hold me close.
If this is Your will—don’t let me go.
If this is Your will—help me see the goodness in Your gifts.”

If you’re in a season that feels heavy, I hope this post reminds you that you’re not alone. I see you. I’m with you. And God is near—even in the depths. What’s one gift you’ve noticed in your own life this week? Big or small. Let’s name them—drop yours in the comments.